TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS: EAST REGION

Two Sundays ago, a committee of pseudo-intellectual sportsmen convened to handpick sixty-five basketball teams for the annual NCAA tournament. As is tradition, these teams play-off in a single-elimination format over a period of one month until only one team remains lossless. That squad is declared champion.

The mathematical simplicity holds great potential for a logical, even beautiful, competition, but without fail, the "Selection Committee" ruins everything. They are predictable and boring in their choices, and the ensuing match-ups disgrace the entire country.

Even so, I was often seduced by popular sentiment in younger days, and participated in bracket 'pools' with various other aficionados. I found the process laughably easy, and regularly picked entire tournaments to perfection. After seven consecutive years of flawless prediction, during which my winnings surpassed the five thousand dollar mark, I became bored of the entire process and quit forever. That was the spring of my nineteenth year.

But now, five years hence, the creative possibilities coursing through the dormant part of my medula responsible for all things athletic have spurred me to action. What if the committee demonstrated an iota of originality in their choices? What if they asked for my input, realizing how mundane the tournament has become? What if I was in charge of the committee? What would happen?

First and foremost, I would fire the other members. I've never believed in the 'collective mind,' as it were, or the old adage that two heads are better than one. Maybe the cliche is true for those of more limited capacity, but in my case, inferior intellects only cloud the perfect path, which I'm quite able to discover on my own.

Second, I would reduce the field by half. Thirty-two competitors is more than enough for any reasonable tournament. Further additions only dilute the talent pool, and give hope to those who should never have been allowed to compete in the first place.

Finally, I would be ready to pick. This is where the blog entry departs from the hypothetical, and I reveal the first ever TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS. CBS has copyrighted the phrase "March Madness," so this alternate title is a necessity. It is also, I think, appropriate, conveying a new sense of chaos and strife not present in the current format.

I will be revealing the tournament field in regions of 8, after which time the action will begin. Since the TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS currently lacks funding and cannot feasibly be staged in common reality, results will be determined and related in blurbs after severe and irreproachable research by the COMMITTEE OF MADNESS, which consists of me.

Also, let me anticipate nascent ambitions and be quite clear on the following: I will not be accepting applications for the Selection Committee or the COMMITTEE OF MADNESS. This may change in the future, and although nothing is guaranteed, donations made in my name will positively affect potential considerations.

Now, without further ado, THE EAST REGION OF THE TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS!


(1) The Creighton Blue Jays

Earning the #1 seed for the inaugural tournament, this Omaha school is a strong favorite thanks to centralized location, which makes it an ideal capital in the case of nuclear attacks on the major American cities. In addition, several prophets, ranging from Nostradamus to John Titor the Time Traveler, have predicted that the future leader of America- the one to deliver us from foreign and domestic enemies- will be a farmer-general from the Nebraska heartland.


(2) The USSR Red Army Hockey Team, 1975

On the verge of winning thirteen straight Soviet championships, the Russian squad, led by stand-out goalie Vladislav Tretiak, travelled abroad to play several exhibition games against North America's best NHL teams. After defeating the New York Rangers by a score of 7-3, the Red Army played the Montreal Canadiens, the world's best team, to a 3-3 draw. It was called the greatest game of all time, and the Canadiens went on to win that year's Stanley Cup, while the Soviets took the European Cup. Returning after thirty years, the Red Army is expected to make some noise in the TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS.


(3) Heinz Ketchup

There is simply no better product on the market than the ketchup manufactured by the H.J. Heinz Company. Its taste is incomparable, and has dominated the consumer landscape since the late nineteenth century. Though its stock has dropped slightly since John Kerry's loss in the 2004 election, many experts still believe it has an excellent chance to make the final four.


(4) Meryl Streep

Over the course of her long and illustrious career, Streep has been nominated for fourteen academy awards, a record. She also holds the record for most Golden Globe victories, and is a renowned stage actress. Her versatility will be key in a possible second round upset of the Creighton Blue Jays.


(5) The Song "Unchained Melody"

Penned by Alex North (melody) and Hy Zaret (lyrics), this song rose to prominence after being recorded by Bobby Hatfield of the Righteous Brothers. Over 500 cover versions have been released, and the song has risen to the top of the UK charts alone on four separate occasions. A gorgeous commentary on the passage of time and the hopeful-yet-melancholic aspects of romance, "Unchained Melody" is nonetheless expected to struggle in its first-round match-up against Meryl Streep, due to the actress' excellent soprano vocals.


(6) The Atlantic Ocean

This massive body of water, covering nearly 1/5th of the world's surface, has played second fiddle to its larger contemporary, the Pacific, since the break-up of the Pangean supercontinent. If continental shift continues, however, the Atlantic stands to become the world's largest in approximately three hundred thousand years. A representative of the Atlantic, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the ocean has a few tricks up its sleeve for first round opponent (and heavy favorite) Heinz Ketchup.


(7) The Wheel

One of mankind's greatest inventions, the wheel has facilitated movement since its advent in ancient times. Although it is absolutely essential to modern life, many consider the wheel poorly suited to tournament play, where it is forced to function independently, without any kind of body, frame, or other machinery.


(8) Bob Hope, 2005

Following his death in July of 2003, many considered the famous entertainer's 2005 persona a longshot to reach the first ever TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS. Nonethless, relentless but good-natured ribbing propelled the patriotic comedian to a dramatic regular season victory over the fictional character Dennis the Menace. His post-mortem jocularity, to everyone's surprise, merited an eight-seed. He will need to maintain this momentum against the Creighton Blue Jays, whose excellent guard play may prove difficult for the aging Hope to defend.


THE EAST REGION


(1) Creighton Blue Jays
vs.
(8) Bob Hope, 2005


(4) Meryl Streep
vs.
(5) The Song "Unchained Melody"


(3) Heinz Ketchup
vs.
(6) The Atlantic Ocean


(2) The USSR Red Army Hockey Team, 1975
vs.
(7) The Wheel