Trouble with girls :'(

Just kidding! I'm happy and not sweating anything. No trouble at all, Deborah, and frankly, you and Tommie are probably better off with each other. You know what they say: birds of a feather stink together.

That's not the phrase, is it? You get the point. You both stink, so you should pair up instead of infecting me.

Come to think of it, you really aren't like birds at all. I'm the one who's flying away to higher and better places. You guys are more like a pair of emus.

Yes, I understand that an emu is a bird, but it's a flightless bird, so you get the metaphor.

Okay, fine, I used the word "like," so the comparison was technically a simile.

And yes, Deborah, you were the one who initiated the break-up, so if anyone is flying away, I guess it's you. But what I'm saying is, your departure has unfettered me, like Prometheus, and as you scurry away, you'll find that, uh-oh, you can't fly after all, because you're an emu!

Yeah, Tommie, I know Prometheus wasn't a bird. It was the fetter thing, and- right, he was actually attacked by birds while tied, which admittedly clouds my message, but what I'm saying is, humans already have fire, I'm tied up, but because Deborah flew off, my liver is safe, soon I'm untied, and things start to get good.

Fine, I did say before that Deborah was a flightless bird, and Prometheus had his liver attacked by an eagle, not an emu. No, I'm not saying that Deborah is an eagle. If anything, I'm the eagle.

Tommie, you are absolutely not Prometheus. I'm Prometheus, and the eagle, Debbie is the emu, and maybe you're Zeus or something, but without the power, sort of like an emu Zeus, with the same anger and cruelty but none of the strength.

Thank you for bringing that up, Deborah, because yes, in fact I do attack my own liver. Since you left, I've been drinking quite a bit. So thank you, thank you for proving my point.

I love you. Come back to me. Deborah, I mean it, I'm nothing without you. Please, just-

Tommie, SERIOUSLY, just give us a second here.

Yeah, I know, I know, you're the new guy. You can back off now, don't...

I'm not calling you that. Deborah, say something, he's being very aggressive, can we-

Okay, okay...Prometheus. There. I called you Prometheus. Don't...just put your fists down, man, we can talk this out.

Deborah, aren't you...you like this, don't you? You're turned on by this.

Great. Excellent. Run off, emus. You know what they say. "Those who think together, flock together."

Bastard idiots.



I bought a Macbook Pro yesterday at an astoundingly high price. The total purchase was 3 times more than I've ever paid for a single item in my life. I'm not the sort of man who holds his tongue about the value of things, as money is a monster we all must confront, so I'll come right out and say that the total damage, after tax, fell just short of $2,400. It was very nerve-wracking to hit the purchase button, and I've been plagued by guilt ever since. A gentleman's mind goes on flights of paranoid fancy after such an expense, and I'm now convinced Apple will deliver the product in a rubber children's pool, swamped in fetid Chinese swamp water, with a note reminding me that I didn't purchase the required insurance for such an eventuality.

I used 'Chinese' in the preceding paragraph not because I associate that nation with unclean resources, but because the UPS tracking number revealed that the computer is shipping from Shanghai. I'm comforted that steadfast workers of indeterminate age or gender, molded by years of oppression, yet hurried by nascent, unchecked capitalism, constructed the machine on which I'll be perusing various websites reflecting the generational whimsy which will, in time, condemn my own countrymen to tertiary status.

A note on an earlier topic. I have met many, in my time, who choose to remain mum on the topic of their own personal finance. This is something I can respect, having been reared by men and women of reserved temperament, and it is fairly crass to raise such matters sans inspiration. Nobody likes the following fellow:

Fellow: I got an offer from Chase last week, and I basically told them to fuck themselves. I'm like, listen, I'm making six figures, and you want me to bust my ass for 80? For fucking 80??!

Yet there seem to be many who bring up fiscal pitfalls or successes, only to retreat, with the implication that the questioner is treading on rude ground, when pressed for specifics. For example:

Friend: Man, I finally found a place.
Me: Oh, congrats! Whereabouts?
Friend: I'm on the upper west side, just east of first ave.
Me: That's great.
Friend: Yeah, I got an amazing deal. It's normally a pretty expensive neighborhood.
Me: Nice, how much are you paying?

*Long silence while the theoretical friend takes on the expression you might expect from one whose mother has just been accused of harlotry*

Friend: Oh, uh...I like to keep that stuff pretty quiet, man.


My problem with this exchange is that if you didn't want to delve into the specifics of your rent, why mention it so obtrusively in the first place? Did you expect me not to ask? You're a bit like the conservative Jewish girl in college who, on instant messenger, used every opportunity to type the word "God" so she could show off her religious impetus to hyphenate the 'o.' "G-d."

Again, if it's your belief that writing the full name of God on paper or computer or wherever leads to the disastrous and irrevocable sin of eventually erasing or deleting His name, fine. I may have some logical or semantical qualms, but I impose my beliefs solely on family and close friends. But isn't it a wiser course of action to take steps to avoid using the word at all? Wouldn't a simple 'omg' suffice, or, less obnoxiously, a 'wow'?

G-d, I hate when people initiate situations for the sole purpose of highlighting curious philosophical limitations.


Now it is time to deliver the mail, a task for which I'm well compensated. Here at my office job, I make almost two hundred thousand dollars per year. Most of that goes to the dog track, which is why I still live in humble surroundings, but I'm also thinking of building a library with a unique theme. E-mail me with ideas, preferably centering around the movie "Crimson Tide."