ToM: South Region, first round results

After 'discovering' these outcomes between the hours of two and four a.m. this morning, I drifted off and was rewarded with a dream about my true love. My friend Kyle and I were on vacation in a town called Tupper Lake. It's a former logging community close to where we grew up, and not the sort of place you'd ever visit unless being dictated by the strange logic of dreams. It was night, and we wandered to a party in a large, brown house with a big lawn. Inside were two girls- sister, I think- and Kyle hit it off with one immediately and left, leaving me alone with the other.

We sat on her couch and talked. She was one of those rare dream characters who don't resemble a person you already know. I don't even think she had familiar features. Unlike real life, there was no uncertainty to the rhythm of our conversation, and when we kissed it seemed like a natural progression instead of something to be excited about. The dream jumped to the morning (without any implication, not that type of dream...) and her mother came down the stairs with cups of coffee and a knowing smile. We smiled back, being in love.

Part two of the dream shifted to Ocean City, Maryland, a place where you really would take a vacation. I was alone in a condo my grandfather owns- three buildings removed from beach front- sitting on the street-side deck. Now there were more friends elsewhere, and by a new logic I had to convince them to come out with me as a precondition for seeing the girl again.

Kyle was in love with the girl he'd met, had other plans, and wouldn't come. Brandon was on a new diet, couldn't drink any alcohol, and so was out. A third party had his own excuse, both elements lost from memory. Outside, the waves reached the base of the Coral Reef (the building's name), alarming because, as I mentioned, it isn't on the beach. The flood kept rising, all the way to the deck, then subsided without leaving a trace of itself.

Part three found me on an Ocean City restaurant patio, facing the true-love-girl across an aluminum picnic table. Her face and body had changed, and the feeling of closeness from the first night had disappeared, replaced by a polite distance. She treated me with what seemed natural friendship, devoid of other feelings, and I had to fake the same. She spoke of her boyfriend, and I tried to seem casual while asking if she'd told him about us. She laughed and said yes, as though what we'd done hadn't been anything.

Her boyfriend, not present, had wanted to know why I didn't have a respectable job ("in a good-sized metropolis," she added, to which I protested, "but I live in New York!") or solid future plans. I had no excuses, and her silence conveyed the absentee's scoff. She expressed admonishment for his strange practicality, but it was the mild kind women reserve for loved ones they don't plan on leaving. There was also the hint that maybe his questions weren't too unreasonable. She'd changed completely, isolating me as much as I'd been accepted in part one.

I woke up to the computer screen, and after my eyes adjusted, the first words I read were: "A stunned audience booed the arrogant victor."


THE SOUTH REGION, FIRST ROUND RESULTS


(8) A Child's Peashooter
def.
(1) David & Goliath

In the surprise of the tournament, top-seeded David & Goliath fell victim to an unlikely upstart. Though many spectators assumed the fearsome duo would simply snap the Child's Peashooter in half, David chose the unorthodox strategy of hurling stones from a long distance. Goliath nervously waited in the background, offering scattered bits of advice. At one point, microphones clearly picked up the following excerpt:

Goliath: I'm not sure this is the best idea.
David: Trust me, I've seen it work before.
Goliath: Please don't face me when you're throwing stones.

Although David was surprisingly accurate, the Child's Peashooter proved too small a target for his stones, which landed in close proximity on all sides. One projectile actually hit the toy, but had very little effect on its wooden structure. Finally, they were forced to approach. The Peashooter, sensing an opportunity, fired its lone hardened vegetable, hitting Goliath on the forehead. "Ow," exclaimed the giant, lifting a hand to his head, "that stung." Hearing his teammate's reaction, David immediately ran over, removed the sword from the Philistine's scabbard, and cut his head off. Afterward, a distraught David attempted to explain. "I saw him get hit in the forehead, and I sort of blacked out...I was just going on memory at that point...you see Goliath get hit, you decapitate him. It's scripture, literally. That was my only thought, but I have no excuse. Just a real mental lapse."

With a newfound respect for the peashooter, David entered into negotiations. Reluctantly, the peashooter agreed to a deal which would allow Israel continued sovereignty in exchange for David conceding the match. At one point, when the talks were reaching an end, a frustrated spectator shouted "Just fucking break the peashooter in half! It's a child's toy." David responded by hurling a stone, which hit the stunned supporter in the testicles. Uproarious laughter followed the stunt, but, according to legal sources, a lawsuit is pending. Afterward, the Child's Peashooter called the victory "bittersweet." "I'm thrilled to advance," it told reporters, "but I was really hoping for control of Israel."



(5) The Concept of English
def.
(4) The Know-Nothing Party, 1855

When informed of its first-round opponent, the Know-Nothing Party expressed some puzzlement. "We support the English," founder Charles Allen was heard to say. "We're basically English Protestants without the accent." Expecting a courteous, civil battle, the Know-Nothings were shocked at a sudden attack of wildly spinning cue balls. Although they managed to deflect some of the white spheres, the expertly calculated Concept of English would simply send them caroming off a nearby object and hurtling back at the defenseless human. The result was a massacre, culminating in the death or crippling of every Know-Nothing proponent. Allegations of foul play circulated in media reports after the match, purportedly arising from photographs of Pope Piux IX slipping an unmarked envelope to a contingency of cue balls. It is unknown whether the Pope's spiritual and financial support will continue in the Concept of English's second-round match against A Child's Peashooter.


(3) My Friend Dustin
def.
(6) The Chicago Bulls, 1996

Although the Bulls ran out to an early 78 point lead, led by superstar Michael Jordan, Dustin's associative attacks eventually demoralized the NBA Champions. The following six-minute stretch, transcribed by courtside stenographers, turned the tide, and is being called by some "the greatest example of relational dismantling since the heyday of Ellen DeGeneres."

Dustin: Michael Jordan... More like Jordan's Crossing...Jordan's Travelling..Hey, Jordan's travelling!

(Referee calls Jordan for a travelling violation)

Dustin: Scottie Pippen...More like Pippin the Musical..Corner of the Sky..Sky Hook!

(Dustin nails a fifty-foot sky hook)

Dustin: Steve Kerr..Kermit the Frog...Jim Henson...Muppets...Fozzie Bear...More like grin and Bear it...Bare it all...Bare-all...AIRBALL!

(Steve Kerr shoots an airball)

Dustin: Horace Grant...More like Forest Chant...Sherwood Forest...Robin Hood...Prince of Thieves...Principal Skinner...Skin and Bones...Skeleton...Red Skelton...Klem Kadiddlehopper...Grasshopper...Bluegrass...Banjo...Redneck...Rent Check...Rent-a-Car...Gas Station...Pump Spot...JUMP SHOT!

(Dustin nails a jumper)

This relentless style continued for the duration of the game, propelling My Friend Dustin to a comfortable thirty-seven point win. The majority of the Bulls succumbed to severe anger and were ejected from the game, to the point that only Dennis Rodman was eligible for the final ten minutes. Greatly amused by Dustin, Rodman was rendered ineffective, shaking his head, laughing, and applauding while Phil Jackson screamed from the sideline.


(7) Vladimir Nabokov
def.
(2) The Word "Diffident"

To raucous cheers, The Word "Diffident" strode out to the Ray Charles song "You Don't Know Me," wearing a purple, hooded cape with multiple upside-down question marks emblazoned in yellow. Over the music, it could be heard howling in the manner of a ghost. The entire spectacle represented a clear attempt to heighten the aura of mystery surrounding its recent success. Nabokov, wearing a monocle, tweed jacket, olive-green corduroy pants, and Italian loafers, quickly defined his opponent as "lacking confidence in one's own ability, timid, or, alternately, restrained in manner."

Diffident paused for a moment, shocked into silence, before asking "I'm pretty screwed, right?" Nabokov nodded, and Diffident removed its hood, shook the author's hand, and fought to hold back tears as it slouched away. A stunned audience booed the arrogant victor, who calmly removed his tweed jacket to reveal a t-shirt. On its front was a picture of My Friend Dustin, with the dates "1983-2007" inscribed below the grinning face.


Second Round, SOUTH REGION:


(8) A Child's Peashooter
vs.
(5) The Concept of English


(3) My Friend Dustin
vs.
(7) Vladimir Nabokov