ToM: East Region, first round results

In the ruminative pre-dawn, accompanied by scant moonlight and a steady mechanized purr, I hunched over keys, furiously transcribing ephemeral visions before they slipped my grasp forever. Like the ardent man in an unexplored meadow, swinging his net in ambitious arcs at resplendent butterfly clouds, I must make do with the happy captures, and cope with the tinges of regret at each fluttering escape.


THE EAST REGION, FIRST ROUND RESULTS


(1) Creighton Blue Jays
def.
(8) Bob Hope, 2005

With a stingy 2-3 zone defense, Creighton stymied Bob Hope's aggressive game plan, reducing the deceased comedian to self-deprecating humor which never posed a real threat to the top-seeded Blue Jays. Though Hope scored significant laughs with quips like "I'm approaching fifty...but I won't tell you from which direction!" and "I don't feel old...I don't feel anything 'til noon. That's when I take my nap!", Creighton point guard Eddie Santangelo's 13-15 shooting performance ensured his team a comfortable victory.

Toward the match's end, Hope seemed severely addled, trotting out incongruous lines such as, "When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano." Long silence greeted this line, after which Hope seemed to lose heart, and was broken by a brilliantly-timed full court press. As Creighton's lead began to balloon, the old-school funny man was heard to say "I'm dead." Whether this was a prediction of the final result or simply a statement of anatomical fact is unclear. In either case, he was correct.


(4) Meryl Streep
def.
(5) The Song "Unchained Melody"

In this highly anticipated meeting of Artist v. Art, the human element triumphed by virtue of variety and personality. The outcome was in severe doubt early, however, as "Unchained Melody" led with its brilliant Righteous Brothers version. Streep countered by listing her various awards and nominations, a tactic which smacked of arrogance. A smattering of boos greeted her lifeless list, and "Unchained Melody" responded with its Barry Manilow cover. The audience roared, and momentum clearly seemed to be sweeping Streep aside. The actress was able to regain a measure of calm, however, and began to tell interesting stories about old acting partners. The strategy met some initial skepticism, but bore fruit with a light-hearted, point-by-point comparison of Deniro, Hoffman, and Woody Allen.

Meanwhile, "Unchained Melody" became redundant, playing itself ad nauseam with covers that gradually depreciated in quality. On its thirty-fifth go-around (a lugubrious James Blunt rendition), spectators had become visibly angry. Shouts of "time's going by really fucking slowly now," and "I hunger for your death!" rang throughout the stadium. Streep picked the moment to reveal her trump card: an emotional performance of Irina Nikolayevna's "Where is my church, where is my Mother, where, Russia, where, oh Nation of Tundras?" monologue from Chekhov's The Seagull. The virtuoso performance reduced many to tears, and "Unchained Melody" conceded.


(6) The Atlantic Ocean
def.
(3) Heinz Ketchup

In the tournament's first upset, The Atlantic Ocean defied expectations by unseating heavy favorite Heinz Ketchup in record time. Aggressively pursuing a "Mix and Change" offense, the Atlantic met surprisingly small resistance from the powerhouse condiment, which apparently thought that even salt water could not dilute its mass appeal. With a medium-sized tsunami, the Atlantic overturned an entire cargo fleet loaded with Heinz-57, most of which spilled into the water. From there, shifting tides carried the ketchup to a gathering of retirees engaged in recreational scuba diving off the coast of Miami. Mako sharks, confusing the red ingredient for blood, soon arrived on the scene and unleashed severe carnage on the group, maiming and killing the majority.

Forced into early damage control, the Heinz company gathered what remained of the spilled ketchup, re-bottling it in makeshift factories. Yet combined with elderly blood and salt water, the result held little appeal for the average consumer. Further, angry lobbyists from the AARP organized a supremely effective boycott, and lawsuits poured in from irate customers across the nation. The Atlantic Ocean took advantage of public sentiment to announce that it was canceling the 2008 hurricane season and severing its 10-year contract with the El Nino weather phenomenon. The shrewd PR move secured victory. A spokesman for Heinz expressed chagrin, calling the loss "the biggest company disappointment since the FCC banned our 'Hunts is for Cunts' ad campaign from the airwaves."


(2) The USSR Red Army Hockey Team, 1975
def.
(7) The Wheel

In a strategy that would prove disastrous, The Wheel team attempted to disguise themselves as hockey pucks, hoping to confuse the Red Army forwards and neutralize their blue-line speed. Yet due to an unfortunate clerical error, they sent out a contingent of tractor wheels, which are large, ridged, and bear no resemblance to a puck. Reduced to idle rolling, precarious tipping, and slow, circular settling, the wheels were forced to watch the nimble Russians skate past and score goal after goal. In a further paralyzing error, it was assumed that a single tractor wheel placed flat in front of the net would prevent all scoring opportunities. "We didn't realize hockey players could shoot pucks in the air," said a crestfallen wheel after the match. "In hindsight, some cursory research may have helped."

Stand-out Red Army netminder Vladislav Tretiak was credited with a shut-out, allowing zero goals on zero shots. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Soviet Union, attended the match, calling the result a "triumph of the people's work ethic over western technology, and a further omen of our eventual and inevitable ascendancy." U.S. President George W. Bush, also on hand, seemed confused at Brezhnev's remarks, but greeted him heartily and expressed gratitude that he wasn't wearing "one of them queer Russky hats."


Second Round, EAST REGION:


(1) Creighton Blue Jays
vs.
(4) Meryl Streep


(2) The USSR Red Army Hockey Team, 1975
vs.
(6) The Atlantic Ocean