ToM: Midwest Region, first round results

While jogging around the track at McCarren Park yesterday afternoon, I watched a soccer match on the interior turf. The near goalie fielded a slow roller and punted the ball in a high, narrow arc. I followed the trajectory to its apex, and at the absolute peak, when gravity and momentum reconciled for a hovering moment, the sphere perfectly obscured the moon. I didn't know until the bottom fell out, of course, because I've been conditioned not to notice the lunar presence in daylight hours. In that respect, the soccer ball seemed like a sort of agent, assigned to draw my attention upward. By whom or for what reason, I'm unclear. Later that night, around 3am, I woke to find the moon (yellow, now) aligned near the middle of the top window pane. Facing west, the view from my room encompasses a cement rooftop courtyard (off limits), morning smoke rising from some Manhattan stack, the taller, grey, loft apartments immediately opposite, and, between the morning hours of one and five, the arbiter of tides. The latter has become something of a leitmotif, consolation for my wakeful habits. I don't have a point with all this. THE MIDWEST REGION, FIRST ROUND RESULTS: (1) The Rosetta Stone def. (8) Babe the Blue Ox Oh the mangled dead we leave, when burdened beasts expect reprieve! After kicking off the match with a brief declaration of divine right, The Rosetta Stone set the tone early by scaling a large firmament. Babe, who had stared dumbly during the arcane speech, seemed to suspect nothing, and despite ample forewarning that the stone was clearly bent on falling from a great height, the maligned ox still held out hope that some new friendship might be in progress. Owing to that essential goodness, he was staring upward with a dopey grin when the Rosetta Stone made its first dive. The result was a broken nose. Wasting no time, the slab raced up the same edifice and repeated the stunt, this time cracking the animal's mandible. The pattern continued uninterrupted for four hours, at which point referees declared a ten minute intermission. In the second half, it is difficult to know exactly when Babe's lack of movement owed more to severe injury than a longing for companionship, but there is no doubt as to the moment of death. Just after a kidney shot at the eight-hour mark, Babe emitted a loud, low bellow, and roared the name "Paul." He expired soon thereafter. Spectators called the match excessively gory, the type of inhumane slaughter only acceptable to sadists or bullfighting aficionados. Nevertheless, it is worth noting that the majority stayed in their seats, rapt, until the fatal conclusion. (5) Bobbing for Apples def. (4) Derisive Laughter Represented by two sullen teenagers wearing black t-shirts, Derisive Laughter encountered a group of children near a quaint barn, huddled around a barrel full of water filled with macintosh apples. The adolescents adopted cruel grins and approached. However, because they were so engrossed, the children couldn't be bothered to acknowledge their would-be tormentors. Unrecognized, Derisive Laughter soon lost its heart, the catcalls and taunts fading into insecurity. Finally, after a brief discussion, they agreed to "give the game a shot." Soon, they were enthusiastically plying the barrel with mouths agape, grinning like toddlers. Referees, determining that their laughter had gone from "derisive" to "excited," declared Bobbing for Apples the winner. In a sad footnote, the teens both contracted Foot and Mouth disease from the filthy water. (3) Greenery Day in Japan def. (6) The Expression "Whatever, Dude" Overrun by highly-trained, idealistic Japanese eco-fiends, The Expression "Whatever, Dude" was outgunned from the start. Unable to get off their asses and do anything, they sat back and watched idly while thousands of Ginkgo and Bonsai trees were planted in their immediate proximity. In less than thirty minutes, Greenery Day had constructed a dense forest, and oxygen levels reached critical mass. Known for taking, long, languorous breaths, purveyors of "Whatever, Dude" fell at risk for the rare "oxplosion" phenomenon, which occurs when the O2 compound nullifies carbon and hydrogen in the blood stream and converts all bone marrow into ethanol, instantly killing the victim. Although they had some inclination as to the precarious nature of their situation, the loafing, apathetic layabouts stayed true to form and refused to move. Greenery Day called the tactic "historically brave, like a big, fat, disgusting captain going down with his ship of sloth." (7) Toothpaste def. (2) Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, and Tom Brokaw Despite a strong finish to the regular season, Woods, Jeter, and Brokaw failed to sustain their momentum, succumbing in a hard-fought match after their timeworn strategy proved too repetitious. Things started auspiciously enough, with Brokaw relating the story of Guadalcanal, a World War Two naval battle where the sacrifice and hardship of the Greatest Generation (tm) helped to defeat the Japanese fleet and turn the tide of the Pacific campaign. Jeter, after a polite pause, shook his head in awe and said "that's really something, Tom." Woods agreed, stating "I can't imagine, Tom...those were some real unselfish folks." The crowd applauded, and murmurs were heard about Woods and Jeter, to the effect that they were "real polite, and very well-spoken." However, as the stories continued, toothpaste proved resilient, refusing to go away despite being turned down by both its opponents and spectators. "You'll need me soon," it muttered, and continued canvassing the stadium. Meanwhile, Brokaw's stories grew slightly disjointed, and Woods showed signs of listlessness. Still, they retained the slight edge until dawn of the second day. Jeter, standing to stretch, began tossing a baseball to himself. Brokaw had been in the midst of detailing Rommel's African adventures, when he stopped to ask if Jeter knew that baseball had been invented by General Douglas MacArthur. Knowing this wasn't true, and frustrated by a season of boredom, the New York Yankee invoked Perseus and angrily hurled the baseball into the stands, where it struck an old man in the face, knocking out his front teeth. Always an opportunist, toothpaste loudly proclaimed that if the man had practiced good dental care, his teeth would have stayed intact. As Woods and Jeter grew less tolerant, the atmosphere of the crowd changed, and all sought to take precaution. Toothpaste became universally accepted, earning great acclaim and eclipsing the faltering trio. Finally, Brokaw called Adolf Hitler "the second toughest Mexican I ever knew," and Woods stormed off in a huff. Jeter followed suit, and toothpaste declared victory. Second Round, MIDWEST REGION: (1) The Rosetta Stone vs. (5) Bobbing for Apples (3) Greenery Day in Japan vs. (7) Toothpaste