ToM: West Region, first round results

Good news. Last night, nearly asleep, I thought of a word which contains at least one letter from each of the 10 vertical columns of the keyboard. It does so in 13 letters total, and is approximately an adverb. As such, it is not perfect, but constitutes a significant leap forward for typographic linguistics. There are roughly 250,000 words in a thorough English dictionary, and if anybody knows of a 10 letter entry, neither plural nor adverbial, which uses one and only one representative from each column, please inform me at your earliest convenience. I apologize if I've neglected proper punctuation (by the omission of a single comma?) at any point in this paragraph.


THE WEST REGION, FIRST ROUND RESULTS

(1) Google
def.
(8) All-Male A Cappela Groups

In the fastest victory in TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS history, Google swiftly dispatched the well-meaning, heartwarming, but ultimately ineffectual undergrad crooners. While the musical octet (calling themselves "Eight Guys, No Girl, and at Leasta' Bass!") tuned to a pitch pipe, Google set up a high-definition projector and screen. Soon, the YouTube video of All 4 One's 1994 R&B hit "I Swear" began to play. Completely rapt, the a capella singers drifted toward the screen, forgoing any plans to actually perform. The individual members were heard to mutter such awe-struck platitudes as "this is fucking art," and began to mimic the group's dramatic body language, placing clenched fists on their hearts and leaning forward slightly, eyes closed, to mouth the lyrics.

In the ensuing two minutes, gesticulations and lip-synching brought all eight to a position mere inches from the projector screen, at which point they wrapped the canvas in a circle, creating a tight cylinder with themselves at the center. Strange moans and caterwauls were heard inside, climaxing at the second chorus. At least one audience member vomited, and the general mood of those in attendance could be euphemistically described as "uncomfortable." It was a stark relief when a bespectacled Google representative set the screen on fire, consuming the lives of all eight and effectively ending the match.


(5) Outer Space, as Conceived by Ignorant, Poor, Elizabethan-era Cockneys
def.
(4) Flowery Language

"Hyacinth and amethyst adorned the landscape of her heart, betrothed to fragrant oakmoss and blazing scarlet upon the amorous lovestrokes of an incandescent horizon," began Flowery Language, reaching forward as if to grasp something beautifully intangible. Before it could continue in this vein, it was approached and violently torn apart by a bulbous, oil-slicked space creature with throbbing veins, one gigantic eye, jagged spikes, small, awkward flippers, seven mouths, and a twelve-foot erect penis.


(3) Bread
def.
(6) Newt Gingrich

Opening with impressive fervor, Gingrich assailed Bread with populist rhetoric, attempting to associate the well-established food with wealthy, out-of-touch, ivory tower liberal professors. Fifty percent of spectators vehemently agreed, mimicking his anger, while the other half seemed befuddled and frightened. Yet when pressed for specifics, Gingrich and his supporters only responded with more bile. To the bewilderment of the Bread faithful, the momentum continued unabated after Bread's logical speech on its origins and importance to human cuisine, backed by impeccable research and exhaustive fact-checking. Gingrich seemed on the verge of a narrow victory when, in a seemingly fatal error, he proved unable to resist the allure of the exact thing he preached against.

In a feeding frenzy, he ate bread for four straight hours, eventually rendering himself incapable of standing. Despite what some called "inexcusable greed and hypocrisy," almost none of his supporters rescinded, instead concocting elaborate excuses which, when parsed, proved fallacious at best. Gingrich, lying prostrate on the arena floor, bread crumbs bedecking his over-extended suit, gurgling like an infant, still appeared on the brink of winning. Unfortunately, he chose that exact moment to eat a slab of Dutch Rye. Even Gingrich's enormous throat was too narrow for this last piece, and he began to choke, spewing bread pieces onto four of his five chins. Despite the vocal support of his constituents, everyone was "too disgusted" to help, and the former Speaker was medically disqualified. When reached for comment, liberal professors in ivory towers said they were happy about Gingrich's defeat, but "were sort of hoping he would advance and eventually be torn apart by a space monster with a twelve-foot erect penis."


(2) Unreliable Husbands of the Old West
def.
(7) Awkward Silence

After decades of responding to the furious silence of wives and other loved ones with resentful hollerin', violence, and continued drinking, Unreliable Husbands of the Old West were completely unfazed by Awkward Silence. In fact, judging by post-match interviews, it's not clear whether the victors were ever aware of their opponent, or even that they were competing in a tournament. The unceasing clamor, resulting in much internecine conflict, including four deaths by gunfire and one by a broken chair over the head, left little room for the challenger to exercise its subtle machinations. "We're more effective around insecure teens, middle-aged office drones with little-to-no personality, and disparate groups of shy people," said an Awkward Silence Spokesman. "Hats off to Unreliable Husbands...they really outgunned us today." The spokesman then shifted uncomfortably as reporters were left to wonder if the pun was intentional.


Second Round, WEST REGION:

(1) Google
vs.
(5) Outer Space, as Conceived by Ignorant, Poor, Elizabethan-era Cockneys

(2) Unreliable Husbands of the Old West
vs.
(3) Bread