ToM: South Region, Second Round Results

(5) The Concept of English
def.
(8) A Child's Peashooter

Following its stunning first-round upset of David & Goliath, A Child's Peashooter found itself in the unenviable position of competing sans ammunition. Its lone pea had been used to great effect against the Philistine giant, but faced with a company of wildly-spinning cue balls, it could only lie in wait for inevitable destruction.

Ineluctably, the destruction came. In mere chaotic moments, the once-proud peashooter was reduced to splinters by repeat high-velocity cue ball attacks. Yet for the second match in a row, great controversy surrounded The Concept of English's victory.

"In my mind, the win against A Child's Peashooter had nothing to do with 'English'," said renowned cellist and TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS super-fan Yo-Yo Ma. "It was just a bunch of billiards balls flying straight. Whatever spin they might have had didn't matter in the least. If this was a movie, I'd accuse the writer of rank negligence."

Following these comments, Yo-Yo Ma was bitten by several snakes, and all his cellos were destroyed in various fires.

After its first-round triumph over The Know-Nothing Party, The Concept of English faced allegations of collaboration with Pope Pius IX. It is not known whether the 19th-century Roman Catholic leader continued his support in round two, but critics maintain that the motive for revenge against a child's toy which destroyed a key figure of the Old Testament may have proved too strong a temptation to resist.


(7) Vladimir Nabokov
def.
(3) My Friend Dustin

In a see-saw battle which lasted fourteen days and featured innumerable elegant twists on the English language, history's pre-eminent novelist narrowly edged the game associative dynamo. Although the outcome was in doubt for most of the fortnight, Nabokov showed too much class over the final day, and Dustin's ambitions collapsed when he inadvertently connected two of the Russian's most famous works, completing a strange circle and verifying the author's claim that the entire breadth of human knowledge and beauty is contained within his oeuvre. As My Friend Dustin struggled to conjure some topic on which Nabokov couldn't claim influence, journalists on scene transcribed the fatal stream-of-consciousness narrative:

Dustin: "Greek...Greek History...Plato...Play-Doh...Elephant...Trunk...clothes...vacation...retreat...elite...replete...Lolita...Greek Pita...Bread...Sandwich...Peanut Butter...Jelly...Deli...Pickle...Tough Spot...Hot Spot...Hell...Heaven...Church...Bell Tower...Spire...Pyre...Funeral Pyre...Pale Fire..."

Upon uttering this last title, Dustin dropped to his knees, exhausted and demoralized. The venerable writer approached and, in a seemingly magnanimous gesture, offered his hand. When the fallen opponent reached to accept, Nabokov withdrew in a juvenile gesture. Dustin collapsed face-first in the dirt, and the Russian danced gleefully to the disgusted boos of a pro-American crowd.

As he circled the stadium, gesturing profanely to spectators, Nabokov tore his cardigan in two, revealing a t-shirt with a picture of a peashooter snapped in half. The text below read: "You're Next!" When fans began to laugh, pointing out that A Child's Peashooter had lost days before, he feigned humiliation. Yet as the mocking reached a fever pitch, the writer had another surprise in store- he ripped the t-shirt in one swoop, exposing a tattoo on his bare chest. The inked image brought a sudden hush to the arena; a series of cue balls, cracked and useless, were crushed beneath a bookshelf containing Nabokov's novels.




SOUTH REGION CHAMPIONSHIP:

(5) The Concept of English
vs.
(7) Vladimir Nabokov