A Healthy Dose of Pain

Last night I had the longest, strangest dream of my life. A bit of an epic, actually. It kept referencing itself, switching locations and people, but coming back to close the circles. Unlike most dreams, it seemed to end at the perfect spot, even though the ending was sad and a bit terrifying. I've tried to map it out here, because it's pretty interesting, but my divisions are going to be laughably imperfect. I'm reasonably sure of the sequence, and I'm positive on all the details. Unfortunately, I think there was a beginning I've forgotten, and other small details must also be gone for good. Anyway, here it is, unedited and true. I hope it's somewhat interesting for the synchronicity, if nothing else, but I'm jotting it down more for myself, so if you get bored and stop reading I can't say I blame you. However, there's a surprise ending.

1) It started in my stepfather's old blue Toyota truck. The sky was cloudy and a little dark, but it wasn't raining. The passenger seat had an old tattered seatbelt, tied off into semi-functioning strap, and I played with the frayed edges. We were driving on my high school's baseball field, heading toward the football field (it was a big complex where all fields merged, the football field doubled as the baseball outfield, and the home-side bleachers were also home-run territory). I saw sitting on the bleachers, among the crowd, three high school friends, Josh, Kyle S. and Kyle F. I waved, but they didn't see me or didn't respond.

We drove toward the endzone, over the field and without interrupting a game, and he dropped me off at the admission gate. I have a vivid memory of the corner approaching, and wondering where he'd drop me off. He had a strange habit of circling around things or leaving me off well ahead of the destination, which was always a point of anxiety. Once away, I had the feeling of being older, and was happy for it, because I knew in real high school days I'd feel self-conscious walking down the sideline among all the cool kids and upperclassmen. My stepfather drove off.

2) I moved toward the fifty yard line, feeling confident, and noting at least one familiar face standing against the small fence separating bleachers from field. Then I saw my oldest brother T. walking toward me. We both smiled and planned to shove each other at the same time. Neither succeeded, our simultaneous action only serving to disrupt each other's balance for a moment. He laughed and moved away. At this point, my friends who I was supposed to meet on the bleachers were lost from the dream. Next I saw my youngest brother K. reclined on the ground, watching the game. He was a bit older, maybe fourteen, indicating that some time had passed.

It seemed to be the first time we'd seen each other in a while, and he wasn't as shy as I remembered. He stood to hug me, and it was a bit awkward since we had different motions planned, but there was warmth. In real life, K. is one of the people I care most about in the world, even though I live far enough from home that we don't see each other as often as I'd like. In the dream, he became one of the few recurring themes. I was introduced to his girlfriend, whose name was Alissa. She was a thin girl, and seemed annoyed at something. She'd been lying down in front of him and to the right, and she stood up, gave me a quick smile, and said something cutting to K. before walking away. Interesting, because in college I made a film where the surrogate for the girl I'd been in love with was named "Alissa," and earlier that day I'd watched it for nostalgia's sake. In K. I see myself, partly, so the parallel is curious.

3) Also on the field was a step-cousin C. She was taking care of a small child I didn't know, teaching her something I can't remember, but I think came from a book. I haven't seen C. in years, so it was a strange cameo, and it somehow led to the livign room of my dad's old house. Inside, C. took the child and left, followed closely by my step-mother, who had appeared. Both seemed to be a bit condescending toward me, or mildly reproachful at least, and I wasn't sure why. Their departure left me with K. and my youngest sister S.

I somehow knew it was my sister, but she didn't look anything like my actual sister, and she didn't seem interested in seeing me. I tried to call her by old nicknames and make her laugh, but it wasn't happening, and she went away. It had become somewhat clear that I wasn't the most welcome person in the world, and nobody reacted warmly to me except K. He and I went outside to kick a soccer ball.

4) On my old front lawn the day was still overcast. We kicked the ball around a pond and three tall maples, and it was a very pleasant experience. The satisfaction of leading someone perfectly with a pass manifested itself, and this was odd because that feeling is something I get from throwing a football, not kicking a soccer ball. Nevertheless, it was the same. Finally the ball rolled down the hill and crossed the road, and threatened to roll down a gully into the forest facing our house. Somehow K. stopped it right at the edge and laughed.

5) Next I was at the football field again. A friend from college was there on the sidelines, and I said something to make him laugh. He was the kind of person who made you feel like a million bucks when he thought you were funny, but also had a way of attracting people that made them court his approval to regain that feeling. Breaking away from that group of friends was one of the difficult choices I had to make, because it led to a good deal of isolation. But I never belonged anyway, and my actions more or less made the choice for me.

6) Suddenly I was in the game, and that need for approval and belonging returned. We were starting at the softball field, though, strangely, and had to get to the endzone all the way at the admissions gate where I'd been dropped off by my stepfather before. The situation was desperate, time enough for one play only, and a full field to go. There were announcers present, somehow, and they kept talking about my love life in vague terms. We got down to the line, and my younger cousin M. was the quarterback. I was the right guard, for some reason.

Because I badly wanted to be accepted, but also wanted to trick them into winning the game, I played off the announcers and tried to sum up the desperation of the game with self-deprecation. I said "this is like trying to make love in an ice house." There was a bit of silence, and then laughter, and then my cousin the quarterback started to repeat it, but the center to my left thought he was saying 'hike' and snapped the ball. I burst through the line and sprinted for the corner. The journey there mimicked the earlier one in my stepfather's truck. I didn't have the ball, so I don't know what I was doing, but I felt surprised that nobody caught me, since I've never been fast. In any case, we tied the game with six points, and we'd have to make the extra point to win.

7) There was a celebration of the game at my old babysitter's house, which was across from my grandparent's house. K. was there again, along with a bunch of other kids. I was younger too, I think, and we all had towels. We went into the back yard, which was a swampy marsh area, and swam. It was getting late in the day, and more overcast than before. The scene had a strange feeling of post-disaster, but the kids still played happily. I went to retrieve my towel by the sidewalk after swimming, but the neighbor there (not my babysitter) told me it was my brother's towel.

8) I went across the street to my grandparent's. The day became sunny. I felt their presence by the back yard parking lot, and think I may have seen them. I left soon and walked down the road that leads to a cemetery. This was very brief, and I never reached the cemetery, and the concept of it didn't even enter my mind, I think.

9) The dream moved to a classroom. I was standing at the front, speaking with someone anonymous. Other people my age were hunched over desks. I was shorter, thinner, and had a buzz-cut. My bearing was vaguely military, or, more accurately, a poor imitation of the military tough-guy attitude, and my arms were crossed. I was telling the person the story of the game, and a lot of other things about myself. Finally, I came to the tale of a physic's test. I began to retell, but realized I'd reached the present and the test was awaiting me. The person smiled and gestured to the seat, and I took a breath and went over to begin.

10) Back at the football field, my cousin was getting ready to kick the extra point to win the game. Only my dad was around with some people I didn't know. They were fans of our rivals, and he was teasing them because he lived in their town. He made little comments that they semi-tolerated. I asked my cousin if he wanted a tee to kick from (a block, actually, black and with little divots), and he said yes. We re-hashed the game winning play, where he said my line, got the ball, and ran for a touchdown. A faceless center snapped the ball, I held it, and felt tremendous anxiety. He kicked the ball through the uprights, in my head was pure elation.

11) I returned to my babysitter's, where K. and I and the other kids were still swimming in what appeared to be questionable conditions. The old gray sky had returned. Again, I left the group and walked by a scattering of mittens everybody had thrown off before swimming. On the other side of the street, a child who was three years old at most was by himself, but didn't seem scared, just happy.

12) Back at the classroom, I was sitting next to a girl who was very kind, telling her this story with the same self-important (but not malicious) military bearing. Apparently, someone had driven by and seen the same child, and had a wrist bracelet with a number to call in case of this type of emergency. They called, and I hated this person, because they were an informant type from outside the community and didn't realize the child was tethered by an invisible string that kept it safe. A government agent came to visit the family, but he was laid back and not regimented like everyone expected, and he just gave them a warning about the child and the unsanitary swamp conditions. This was a big relief, because for whatever reason, the stakes were high in the case of conviction.

At that point, my Physics test was handed to me. It was in a booklet, and the Physis section was soggy and wet with nothing written on it. I became very worried, and told the girl I didn't do so well. "That's okay," she said. "You'll go to Newport and it won't even matter." I understood that I'd told this girl I was going to a school called Newport. I became a little hopeful, and when I flipped the pages of the book, I saw an essay. It said my name was John, and it mentioned Newport University. Soon, though, the sentences turned nonsensical and disoriented. The writing devolved into chicken scratch. It became clear that Newport was a delusion, and the last sentence of the essay contained the phrase "I have to tame the beast."


That's when I woke up. It was 3am. I looked out my window and half expected to see the devil's staring in at me. Then I checked my own thought processes to make sure I hadn't gone schizophrenic. Everything seemed to be in order, but it took me a moment to regain myself. I turned on the lamp and wrote it all down.

It's difficult, because it's impossible to capture the feeling of the dream with insufficient words, and it doesn't help that I'm interrupted at every turn. But I've never had a dream like it before, and maybe I never will. It included so many people who are important to me, the only notable exceptions being my mother and my friend Brandon. The second return to old scenes, too, is new to me. It almost followed the path of an improv show, which may mean that the system is entering my head. On paper it seems like a random jumble, but at the time it felt like an epic.

I haven't tried too hard to analyze it yet. The end, I think, signifies that my character throughout was imagining his role in things, turning real situations into fantasy, and was probably insane. This would explain the tepid reaction by everyone but K. The parallel of the original truck ride, along with the run in the football game, seems like an overlap, a person who may have imagined themselves in a real game, sprinted toward the endzone from a different field, and possibly interrupted the real game. What's really strange is that my run stopped right before it reached the real field, at the exact spot where the truck entered. So if it was an overlap, my delusion changed toward the end.

The recurring presence of K. might be an indication of my worry for his future, and his difficulty with the Alissa girlfriend character might be the prelude. It was also interesting that he was the only person to really treat me in a kind manner, other than the girl in the classroom.

Ah, this is useless and silly. In the end, I'm grateful for the dream, despite the sad ending. I think the feel of the story, the arc of the highs and lows and the general atmosphere, is more important than what it may have meant. The basic lesson I take is that even in my/John's demented state, the sadness and elation were still beautiful, maybe more so for the imagination.