ToM: West Region, Second Round Results

(1) Google
def.
(5) Outer Space, as Conceived by Ignorant, Poor, Elizabethan-era Cockneys

For a passing moment last evening, it looked as though the tournament's overwhelming favorite had begun to retreat. Google, straying for the first time from its YouTube attack, sent out a battalion of American bloggers to confront Outer Space, as Conceived by Ignorant, Poor, Elizabethan-era Cockneys. Armed only with ennui and questionable writing ability, the bloggers were quickly decimated by a series of sickly green, pulsating moons whose three hundred mucous-coated lips spewed devil-red saliva which burned faces and condemned souls to Hell (as Conceived by Ignorant, Poor, Elizabethan-era Cockneys.*)

Acting on their early momentum, Outer Space charged ahead, determined to mount an advance on the central Google server. On its way, however, a concave construct of projector screens played the YouTube-embedded music video "Tonight, Tonight" by the Smashing Pumpkins on repeat. Outer Space slowed, multiple mouths agape, and eventually oozed to a complete bilious stop. One word could be heard repeating like a chant from the collective voice, and it was "Heaven."

Capitalizing on the revelry, Google used thousands of antique Civil War mines purchased illegally on Froogle to annihilate the enemy. Because Elizabethans had no concept of the vastness of the universe, and could only consider outer space on their small terrestrial terms, the internet monolith finished the job in less than fifteen minutes. Following the victory, reporters speculated that the "Tonight, Tonight" sting had been the primary plan all along, and the initial ruinous offensive had simply been a convenient way for Google to thin its bulky ranks of bloggers.


*Their conception of hell is much more accurate than their conception of space.



(2) Unreliable Husbands of the Old West
def.
(3) Bread

Unlike Newt Gingrich, who could not resist the temptation of bread and eventually succumbed in gluttonous fashion, Unreliable Husbands of the Old West showed zero dependence on the ubiquitous vittle. They seemed content to consume an endless supply of tequila and vodka, produced from agave and potatoes, respectively. "We gets our starch from the tsar's madeira," commented one vagrant, using one of vodka's many nicknames and showing a surprising worldliness for a fellow of his stripe.*

Onlookers applauded the rebellious spirit. One loquacious gentleman stood upon an actual soap box and declaimed on behalf of the itinerants. "Truly, these heroes have embodied the American spirit of dependence! We are not slaves to any man or substance, be it red or bread! Like those tax-weary colonists whose bravery preceeded them, our courageous Unreliable Husbands cast off the yoke of grain which has so dominated human cuisine since-"

At this point, the man was accidentally shot by an errant bullet from saloon festivities, becoming the third bystander casualty of the TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS. Nevertheless, the spirit of his remarks pervaded and took root, and Unreliable Husbands of the Old West earned a strong win and the right to play Google for the West Region Championship.


*It was later discovered that this person was not an Unreliable Husband of the Old West, but a confused cast member of the HBO television show "Deadwood."





WEST REGION CHAMPIONSHIP:

(1) Google
vs.
(2) Unreliable Husbands of the Old West