TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS: MIDWEST REGION

(1) The Rosetta Stone

A stone slab discovered in Egypt in 1799, the Rosetta Stone is inscribed with a long blustering declaration from an ancient king. Despite the fact that it was translated in 1822, it has virtually no meaning to anyone currently alive. The gist of the text is that Ptolemy V named his entire family tree and then claimed that the Gods gave his family line eternal power. Although history belied this notion, the Rosetta Stone found great success in modern competition, storming through the 2007 regular season and handing The Word Diffident (south region) its only loss along the way. The stone's signature move is falling on its opponent.


(2) Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, and Tom Brokaw

This unlikely trio were the surprise of the league, shaking off a poor start before asserting themselves as a legitimate force. Brokaw's reverent tales of World War Two heroics, combined with Woods' and Jeter's respectful reactions, supplanted their previous strategy, which entailed Woods hitting golf balls at Jeter, who would attempt to field them while Brokaw danced in the background wearing tinker's garb. The change propelled them to the upper echelons, and they are considered a fearsome tournament match-up. Critics of the team point out that Woods has seemed increasingly bored, and that several of Brokaw's stories contain outrageous details, such as the allegation that Italian leader Benito Mussolini founded the United States Postal Service.


(3) Greenery Day in Japan

The rough equivalent of America's 'Arbor Day,' Greenery Day in Japan celebrates Emperor Hirohito's love of nature. Citizens are urged to spend the day outside, planting trees and engaging in other eco-friendly activities. Unlike the stateside holiday, those who don't take the suggestion are subject to criminal penalty, up to and including three months in prison. Participation is so wide-spread, in fact, that the government is often forced to remove new trees due to an overabundance of oxygen. Additionally, the aftermath in 1998 included a plague of bonsai locusts, which lasted for the better part of three years and was declared Japan's biggest disaster since the atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.


(4) Derisive Laughter

The old axiom "laughter is the best medicine" was upheld this season, with the self-proclaimed "expression of cruel and cynical merriment" defeating long-time powerhouses Aspirin, Amputation, and Chemotherapy on the way to capturing the Medical Division Crown. Many traditionalists were upset that Derisive Laughter was included in the Medical Division at all, claiming that a tenuous connection based on an old cliche is not sufficient grounds for inclusion, especially when the participant is an offshoot of the original idea. Regardless, Derisive Laughter put these critics to rest with its patented "Are You Serious?" offense, which included incredulous questions followed by exclamations of disbelief, quickly seguing into loud guffaws at the expense of others. Most of Derisive Laughter's victories resulted from a shattering of the opposition's self-esteem.


(5) Bobbing for Apples

A Halloween tradition for children, bobbing for apples involves ducking one's head into a barrel of water and trying to obtain an apple using only lips, teeth, and sometimes a nose. Because multiple youths engage in the game at once, collisions occur with some frequency, rendering the game dangerous. It is also severely unsanitary. Nevertheless, the foolish whimsy endeared the game to the COMMITTEE OF MADNESS, who couldn't resist giving the delightful spectacle a five-seed.


(6) The Expression "Whatever, Dude"

In common usage since 1984, "whatever, dude" has been the battle cry of insolent teens, disaffected depressives, and adaptable, unopinionated friends. It is capable of summing up a lifestyle in three succinct syllables, and infuriating parties outside the speaker's immediate circle. The Expression "Whatever, Dude" has an impressive list of victims this season, including the Parent-Teacher Association (PTA), Frustrated Therapists, and Friends who Like to Plan Shit Out and Have a Little Fucking Input So They Don't Have to do Everything Themselves. The expression's devil-may-care attitude is expected to clash with the harsh discipline of its first round opponent, Greenery Day in Japan.


(7) Toothpaste

It was another good year for toothpaste, which easily maintained its status as the world's leading teeth-cleaning ingredient. Since 1992, when the "Fluoride in School" movement came to an end, toothpaste has never been truly challenged for oral dominance. It was rumored to be considering an alliance with chewing gum in late December, but this reportedly fell through when the parties failed to reach an agreement regarding the status of Big League Chew. This failure notwithstanding, Toothpoaste earned an automatic bid to the TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS after an easy victory over Mouthwash in the Dental Hygiene final. It will open against Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, and Tom Brokaw.


(8) Babe the Blue Ox

Paul Bunyan's one-time companion, Babe the Blue Ox has fallen on hard times since the giant lumberjack's death in the spring of 2003. Universally unwanted, he wanders the western hemisphere from Patagonia to the Yukon, seeking friends. The American and Canadian governments have recently discussed plans to euthanize the animal, but to date nothing has been finalized. In a cruel irony, Babe is worshipped in most parts of Africa, but is too large to cross the ocean.


THE MIDWEST REGION


(1) The Rosetta Stone
vs.
(8) Babe the Blue Ox


(4) Derisive Laughter
vs.
(5) Bobbing for Apples


(3) Greenery Day in Japan
vs.
(6) The Expression "Whatever, Dude"


(2) Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, and Tom Brokaw
vs.
(7) Toothpaste