The Zook

I dedicate this post to the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre, where I've spent each of the past six nights. The UCBt is a comedy establishment in Chelsea, founded by four comedians and featuring a variety of cheap improv and sketch shows seven days a week. I've become addicted to the improv comedy scene at UCB, and am currently enrolled in a level 2 class. The theatre has a ton of house teams, but the "highlight" of the week is a Sunday night show called ASSSSCAT, where some of the more famous improvisers get together and dazzle with their skill.

Regular performers include Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, and Horatio Sanz from SNL, Jack McBrere, John Lutts, and others from NBC's 'Thirty Rock,' and a hodgepodge of the theatre's best house improvisers. The show sells out every week, and oftentimes a line stretches down 26th street all the way to eighth avenue beforehand. Without fail, people are turned away when the UCBt (located below a grocery store) fills to capacity.

Within this star-packed scene, one performer stands out. Not for his comedic capacity, which is great indeed, nor for his dedication, which is truly nonpareil. No, this improviser is infamous for the shroud of mystery surrounding his activity. His name is Jason Mantzoukas, and rumors swirl regarding the behind-the-scenes power he wields at the UCB. The true extent can't be known, as he operates mostly in the shadows, but legends abound regarding his ruthless, ambitious, and brilliant rise to prominence in the New York comedy scene. Some are even convinced that he's parlayed his success into international control, delving into geo-political realms in order to create a favorable environment for his cronies.

Discovering the boundary between truth and fiction can be difficult, as very few will publicly speak out against "The Zook." It's widely believed that he rewards loyalty and is swift to punish betrayal, a fact which seems confirmed by the relative silence from both friends and erstwhile enemies. In order to give a full picture of The Zook, I will first list only the known facts. Following that, I'll enumerate the widely accepted but heretofore unproven truths, and will finally introduce some of the more conspiratorial rumors.


THE FACTS

*Goes by "The Zook"

*When fans shout "The Zook!", "Zook!", or "Hey Zook!" as he's walking past, he will stop and salute.

*Hates to be called "The Zookie."

*Once got into a fight with an audience member who called him "Zookie" during a scene. Immediately broke character, darted into the audience, cracked the fan's ribs with three kicks, and canceled the show. After, as audience members congregated outside, came out and performed an impromptu solo set. Observers called it the funniest human performance they'd seen. Later that evening, the audience member with the broken ribs died under mysterious circumstances at the hospital.

*Claims to be primarily influenced not by other comics, but by Italian writers, most notably Dante and Machiavelli.

*Is known to stalk the ASSSSCAT line before shows, stare into the eyes of spectators, and bar those he dislikes from attending.

*Has a euphemistically-named "cheering section" at every show, which consists of muscular, Polish-speaking males who sit silently with their arms crossed in the back row. Preliminary identity checks reveal that most have criminal records.

*Refuses to play a woman in an improv scene, calling it "degrading."

*Known for introducing remote control racecars into scenes whenever possible.

*Wears a white rose on his lapel.

*Due to a longstanding rivalry, will not improvise on the same stage as Rob Riggle.

*Was asked to perform a private show for President Clinton in '96, but refused on the grounds that Vice President Al Gore too closely resembled a childhood enemy.

*Was linked romantically with Katherine Harris around the time of the '00 Florida recount.

*Claims to be a scratch golfer who averages .64 aces per 18 holes.

*Is close friends with political pundit George Stephanopolous.

*Went on an improvisational tour of the Russian countryside, but quit after three shows, calling the collective population "mongoloid philistines." Was wanted for assault in that country before long-time fan Vladimir Putin granted clemency.

*Studies film of old 'American Gladiators' joust competitions.



UNCONFIRMED BUT ACCEPTED TRUTHS

*Owns a majority share of the Nestea Corporation.

*Poisoned the water bottle of improv performer John Lutts after Lutts inadvertently cast him as Cleopatra in a scene. The water went unconsumed for three days, when Lutts found it in his bag and poured it into his thirsty labrador's dish. The dog died on the spot, and a veterinary autopsy revealed trace amounts of cyanide in the canine's stomach. Lutts and The Zook later made amends and wrote a one-act play which ultimately failed, but was a primary influence for novelist Khaled Hosseini's "The Kite Runner."

*Authored an anonymous piece for The Village Voice advocating tire-burning as an olympic sport. The article was advertised as satire against the IOC, but had been written in absolute sincerity. As punishment for not understanding the purpose of his work, The Zook threw a burning tire through a first floor window at the newspaper's downtown office. Attached to the tire was a gold medal. The ensuing panic caused over $4,000 in damage. Afterward, the Zook bought the charred tire back from e-bay, and hurled it through the window again, this time with a note that read, "This isn't over."

*Rubs himself in iris flowers in lieu of bathing.

*Has an uncanny memory for faces, and will make mental notes of those who don't laugh during a show, hoping to find them alone in the city.

*Follows unappreciative audience members home after shows.

*Won't perform monologues due to fear that FBI agents attend his shows seeking evidence of past discretions.

*Hired pro-life phone operators to verbally assault the owners of rival New York improv organizations The Magnet and The Pit.

*Is banned from teaching classes at UCB because of an incident where he maimed a forty year-old female student for not establishing a relationship with her scene partner.

*Donates sizeable sums once yearly to the Irish Republican Army.

*Was the brains behind a failed UCB-wide coup directed against the founding members. When the plot failed, he curried favor with the elites by naming his co-conspirators.


RUMORS AND SPECULATION

*Has committed over three hundred acts of violence, including several murders, in and around the UCB.

*Won the lottery as a child and sent every penny to various oil companies.

*Offered his legal services to Ken Lay, and killed him when he refused.

*Has fathered sixty-seven children, including Dakota Fanning.

*Can erase PC hard drives by sneezing.

*Briefly made English the official language of Spain.

*Raped CBS sports commentator Craig Sager.

*Raced the full length of the Nile against a school of red-tailed Catfish, finishing fourth.

*Translated the Rosetta Stone, became angry at the message, and is currently plotting to destroy it.

*Started as an improv comedian in Missouri, where he performed several private shows for the KKK.

*Illegitimate great-grandson of Charles Guiteau, the man who assassinated President Garfield.

*Foiled plans for a land bridge between Alaska and the former Soviet Union.

*Has a button at home which, if pressed, will activate a series of hidden gates and release wild, hungry ocelots into the UCB theatre.

*Can re-enact every Popeye cartoon from memory, but will not say Bluto's lines.

*Runs with the bulls in Pamplona for the sole purpose of committing savage violence and blaming it on the animals.

*Writes haikus for neo-Nazis.

*Wrote Paul Giamatti's Pinot Noir monologue for the movie "Sideways."

*Actively pursues the extinction of pandas.