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Here are some actual facts about our world.


1. Laissez-Faire Construction Speeding

One of our country's most frustrating road obstacles are construction zones on federal highways. They delay traffic during peak hours, and force drivers to brake unnecessarily when the interstate is otherwise vacated. Menacing orange signs speak of lower speed and doubled fines, but what most vehicle operators don't understand is that these are hollow threats.

Why? Because there's a loophole. As many already know, traffic violations are administered exclusively by either local or state police. There's no such thing as a "federal" traffic cop.
However, since the Road Creation & Repair Act (1919), all construction on national highways falls under the jurisdiction of the Department of Transportation, which is, quite obviously, a federal institution. What does this mean? It means that town, county, or state traffic cops cannot stop you for speeding in a federal highway construction zone! It's out of their domain, and would carry the same penalty as arresting someone out of state. Violators can, and do, lose their badge.

Have you ever noticed that truck drivers never seem to obey the "lower speed limits" in these zones? It's because the big-rig community knows the loophole, and aren't falling for the ominous warnings. So next time you pass a construction zone on a federal highway (note: this does NOT apply on local roads), hit the gas pedal and give the workers the middle finger. There is simply no good reason to slow down when the builders are out.


2. Old-Timey Prostitution

You probably don't need to be told that, with the exception of certain counties in Nevada, prostitution is illegal in America. This is a commonly accepted truism, and yet, because of an unlikely congressional response to high suicide rates after the stock market crash of 1929, the act of sex for money cannot be prosecuted in office buildings whose date of construction precedes October of that year.

Here's how it went down: on October 19, 1929, also known as "Black Tuesday," the American stock market experienced an unprecedented recession. A flurry of selling prompted an atmosphere of panic, and those with large stock ownership sold out, which led to minor investors following suit. Before the day was over, prices had bottomed, and many had lost their life savings. Banks foreclosed, jobs were lost, and the manifold tragedies ushered in the Great Depression, which lasted until American involvement in World War 2.

But more importantly for our purposes, many investors and brokers who lost their fortune on that fateful day saw fit to take their own lives. In the days following Black Tuesday, it was common to see these men hurl themselves from the upper floors of their woebegone institutions. The American public demanded a response to what became an epidemic, and congress convened the following week.

Countless ideas were bandied about the House in the ensuing days, one of which was that gray, monotonous office conditions depressed the American working public and cultivated an aura favorable to suicide. In an effort to appear active, the House passed over four hundred items of legislation in five days, setting a record that would stand until the infamous "Laws for Claws" debacle of 1976. Sadly, most measures proved ineffectual. Yet in the midst of this flurry, motion 4164D had a lasting impact; designed to increase employee morale, it mandated an enlivening of businesses with multi-hued walls, increased flora, and, thanks to renegade congressman Charles "Lucky Chuck" Abernethy (D-NC, served 1922-1935), "permissible acts of leisure." The motion was passed unanimously, and signed into law by President Herbert Hoover on Christmas Day of 1929.

What Abernethy knew, and others did not, is that this specific phrase, thanks to an obscure 1834 Senate clause, referred to prostitution. Six months later, when the repercussions became clear, Speaker of the House Nicholas Longworth (R-OH) called a special session to repeal the law. But to Republican dismay, Abernethy's longstanding influence enabled him to successfully attach a rider grandfathering all office buildings currently built. The ploy became known as "Chuck's Pork," referring to the 'pork barrel' nomenclature commonly used to describe such riders. However, because of the subject matter, the term 'pork' gradually became a slang term synonymous with intercourse.

The legislation was not publicized, and was rarely utilized by any corporation. But in the past fifteen years, old, vacant office buildings in American cities have been commonly used as brothels. "Chuck's Pork" has become protection for pimps, who operate with impunity in all edifices constructed before Black Tuesday.


3. Heroic Coke?

Heroin Diacetylmorphine, or "heroin," is an opioid drug known for producing a euphoric high in users. Freebase Cocaine, or "crack," is a coca-based stimulant drug used commonly in poor areas of urban America. Both substances are illegal, but what the government doesn't want you to know is, they may save your life.

In simple terms, the combination of insositol and mannitol sugars in crack, when alone, contribute to high energy levels, heightened consciousness, and an overall increase in brain activity. Meanwhile, synthesized diacetyl, derived from morphine, lends heroin its more serene effects. When the two are paired by simultaneous use, they form a protein bond on the rotational axis, and the joint compound (scientifically unnamed, but known in research circles as "Waldsterben," the German word for "Forest Death" - derivation unknown) is the world's most effective disease killer.

In laboratory studies undertaken at the University of California, Berkley in 2001, Waldsterben proved adept at destroying all forms of virus and bacteria in some of the larger animal species. It also demonstrated a nascent ability to destroy carcinogens. Yet under the guise of stem cell ban, the Executive branch outlawed further research and shut down the Berkley labs, essentially ending all investigation into the drug's cancer-curing potential.

The cease-and-desist order was prompted by the FDA, whose commitment to stemming the tide of illegal substances into US territory was judged as more important than developing a possible eradicator of all human illness. Unfortunately, the Waldsterben compound, somewhat mysteriously, can only be formed when the two drugs are combined, and thus legal methods of further research are impossible. However, recent reports from the scientific underground seem to indicate that explorations continue in experimental medical regions of Michigan's upper peninsula.



DUSTIN UPDATED: it's about TV!!!! http://magomra.blogspot.com

DUSTIN FACT:

He thinks the Genghis-Khan-era Mongols were "amoral swine, but militarily irreproachable."