Rejected McSweeney's article

As everyone who reads this blog probably already knows, I recently had an article accepted at McSweeney's. My first two submissions were rejected, and they accepted my third. In a fit of inspiration, I wrote and submitted my fourth on Friday, and received a rejection notice this morning. Although the good people of that website don't agree, I liked this better than the piece they accepted, so I'll post it here. Some of you may recognize the poem from an earlier blog installment. On a sad side note, I tried to copy and paste from Word into gmail, and while it looked okay in my submission, the rejection revealed that it was interspersed with long, strange bits of gmail links. The editor probably didn't even bother to read it. It looked such a mess, I can't say I blame him. Enjoy!

A Poetic Recap of the Hypothetical Dogfight Between WWI Flying Aces Eddie Rickenbacker and Manfred von Richthofen, aka “The Red Baron,” as Written by an Enthusiastic Patriot to Celebrate Independence Day in America, with Endnote Commentary by a Humorless Historian.


FLYING CIRCUS [1]

Fearless Eddie Rickenbacker [2]
left his helmet in the locker [3]
and said unto Le'gens du arme, [4]
"Today my soul is free from harm."
He swaggered to the waiting plane-
a Nieuport 28 from Spain- [5]
and once the rear guns were aligned [6]
(and confidential papers signed), [7]
he made the tiny engine sing [8]
and woe! the Hat (was) in-the-Ring. [9]

Sipping on his grail of tea, [10]
the Baron smiled, sick with glee. [11]
He thought of evil things he'd do
aboard the Albatross D-2. [12]
A finger traced the Kaiser's crest; [13]
the wicked German beat his breast. [14]
Soon with gestures quick and mean,
he drank a human blood canteen [15]
and in a flash- his craft aloft-
the deathly red beret was doffed! [16]

The pilots met above the lake
called Vunderlee ("the steady drake") [17]
and circled twice around before
they made their silver missiles roar. [18]
But Rickenbacker saw his chance:
he flew up close, he drew his lance [19]
and leapt into the German plane- [20]
a tactic some had called "insane." [21]
But with a shout of "U-S-A!" [22]
he slew the Nazi; Oh, hooray! [23] [24]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[1] A reference to Von Richthofen's Jagdgeschwader 1 air unit.

[2] Eddie Rickenbacker's first flight, on April 29, 1918, came eight days after the Red Baron's death.

[3] The practice of flying without a helmet is forbidden by military protocol, and there is no indication that any pilot seriously challenged the rule.

[4] Rickenbacker, an American, would not have reported to a gendarme, a title which describes a French military policeman. Its inclusion would seem to be for convenience of rhyme only. In addition, the French spelling is inaccurate.

[5] While I'm surprised to report that Rickenbacker did, in fact, fly the Nieuport 28, none of this model were ever manufactured in Spain. Again, rhyme would seem to be a motivating factor.

[6] This is wholly spurious as a supposed preparation for combat.

[7] See #6.

[8] The engine was actually larger than average for WWI-era aircraft. It is unclear why the adjective "tiny" is utilized.

[9] A reference to the 94th Aero Squadron, sometimes called "The Hat-in-the-Ring Squadron."

[10] There are no historical documents to confirm that Von Richthofen drank tea, much less from a grail.

[11] Any assumption of sadism would also appear to be poetic license.

[12] At the time of this hypothetical encounter, Von Richthofen had switched to the Albatross D-III for its superior maneuverability.

[13] No such emblem existed.

[14] Along with being inaccurate, this line may be borderline offensive.

[15] See #14. Completely unsupported by historical evidence.

[16] As stated in endnote #3, aviators wore helmets, not "deathly" berets.

[17] There is no lake in Germany called "Vunderlee." Further, the word itself is nonsense, and does not translate to anything resembling "The Steady Drake."

[18] Neither plane was outfitted with missiles, silver or otherwise.

[19] The idea of a pilot carrying a lance, in any epoch of aerial combat, is preposterous.

[20] Even in the context of the poem's largely questionable content, I find this detail especially unrealistic for reasons too numerous to list.

[21] This tactic has never been seriously discussed by military strategists.

[22] Such a shout would be inaudible above the engine's din.

[23] Nazis did not exist in World War I. This line displays a stunning lack of research and passively condones a harmful stereotype about the German population.

[24] As a final comment, I feel obliged to point out that the aftermath of such a stunt would be highly problematic for Rickenbacker, who, after a series of unlikely acrobatics, would now find himself alone in an enemy plane. The act of landing the plane in a friendly field would prove extremely difficult. In light of this and other shortcomings, I'm sorry to report that I cannot give this poem an official endorsement.