ToM: East Region, Second Round Results

(4) Meryl Streep def. (1) Creighton Blue Jays On any normal day in the TOURNAMENT OF MADNESS, a one-seed falling in the second round would be cause for surprise. But on the eve of Creighton's match against Meryl Streep, an unbelievable gaffe on the part of coach Norton Douglas made the outcome all but inevitable. Speaking to reporters in the lobby of his hotel, he called Meryl Streep's integrity into question, accusing her of poor parenting. The excerpt below captures the worst of the ill-timed remarks:

"And, what's...what's the story with her daughter...that Kate Hudson? A different last name? To me, that's just...that's being a bad mother, to put it bluntly. You don't let your kid take another last name just for the sake of having a different identity. Just so she can land a few movie roles? You let her make up a whole new name, for that? I'm sorry...maybe I'm old-fashioned, but where we come from, out in Kansas, folks stress family values. Plus, it's widely known that Kate Hudson is promiscuous."

Unfortunately for Mr. Douglas, he ignored certain key facts: 1) Kate Hudson is not widely known as promiscuous. 2) Kate Hudson's mother is Goldie Hawn, not Meryl Streep. 3) Kate Hudson did not make up her own name. Her father is the comedian Bill Hudson. It was Ms. Hawn who chose to keep her maiden name after marriage. 4) Creighton University is in Nebraska, not Kansas. The story exploded in the morning papers, and popular sentiment shifted to Streep. A disheartened Creighton squad never stood a chance. Star point guard Eddie Santangelo shot a mere 1-17 from three point range, and Streep's 'Oscar Defense'- placing her various statuettes in dangerous positions on the floor- effectively hindered the Creighton attack. At the half, they had scored only 9 points, and Coach Douglas sat on the team bench with his shoulders hunched, the picture of a defeated man. Streep kicked off the second half by performing the "fuck fish" monologue from "Adaptation." The crowd erupted, unaware or unconcerned that the lines belonged to the character of John Laroche, played by Streep's co-star Chris Cooper. Completely overmatched, the Creighton players left the court to catcalls and derision. (2) The USSR Red Army Hockey Team, 1975 def. (6) The Atlantic Ocean On the morning of the match, the Atlantic Ocean entered a period of widespread calm referred to as 'The Halcyon Days.' Usually occurring before the winter solstice, this legendary annual timespan ushers in fourteen days of complete calm, when not even a slight ripple disturbs the surface of the otherwise unpredictable and turbulent ocean. Red Army team members, upon taking the ice at the neutral Reykjavik Arena, could harly believe their good luck. "I am not believing what I see," said astounded netminder Vladislav Tretiak, in broken English. "I think 'oh, maybe huge salt waters from Atlantics make us into food for fish. But no, we win. Soviet Russia win again." And win they did, as the lone team in the arena, scoring exactly one hundred goals in three periods of play. The Atlantic's strategy of overcoming Iceland (and with it the arena and the entire Red Army team) with a series of shark-led tsunamis faltered when it couldn't summon a single wave. Coastal residents of Iceland watched in fear as thousands of sharks congregated near the shore, but their trepidation became outright joy when the creatures were forced to retreat to the deep. "For the first time, we have defeated the sharks that have terrorized our country for centuries!" said Icelandic premier Gzryuny Ven Der Bang. In addition, national poet and songwriter Ermitz Smits-Bakker composed a new national anthem to commemorate the event. Translated, the lyrics are as follows: Iceland! Iceland! You have faced the great whites! They have come in fierce hordes! Like they have done before! Oh those years, they were difficult! Difficult years, O Iceland the Brave! Your children were eaten, oh yes! You could not swim, except in their mouths! But now there is one white greater! This time a separate white knew triumph! A white land free of sharks! It is you to whom I refer, Iceland! Iceland! White Country! Iceland! White Paradise! Now your children are not eaten!* *It should be noted that much of the poem's beauty is inherent to the Icelandic tongue, and is therefore lost in translation. Also, there are more exclamation points in the original. EAST REGION CHAMPIONSHIP: (2) The USSR Red Army Hocket Team, 1975 vs. (4) Meryl Streep