Tail

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Snorkle

Dream #12: Indiana

In all the city’s open rooms
where we’d begged
and fought for scraps
the lights reached
a degree of brightness
unfriendly to older eyes

And so I left my girl
and you left yours
to play it straight for a change

My old car, the proven
rusted-gold jalopy
appeared on the outskirts
amid climbing graffiti and darker smoke
that made us glad to drive
west, beneath the big sky

Billowing magnet clouds drew us
past the midwest. We stopped
only once, to rescue a dog-
a staggering starving collie-
before the wide roads and gravid plains
of open earth absolved our speed

His panting head scouted the land
from the broken rear window
and when the last of the gasoline
sputtered to fumes, we found
the perfect spot- a clear rocky stream
and a path to white-veined mountains

Who knew I could build a home
or that you, in functional
plaid dresses, could smile from the
windswept cedar porch and ring
a bell or wring the heavy soil
from my lone pair of jeans?

On all the full-moon nights
we swam naked in the creek
made love on the dry bed
and forgot the hard mornings
of hard faces with stunned desires.
In that place, nothing fades

Our amber-eyed daughter
addressed the hum of the world
with bubbling white laughter
and we named the dog Indiana
for the state of heat and dust
where he'd lain in a pile of bones

What beauty: no more to claim the day,
startled on gray sidewalks,
when thick smiles erupt too sudden
to pretend a strange notion
surging with calm assurance
to the women we clutch

Or my rusted car, sold for scrap
and nameless Indiana
watching an empty road

Miscell, eh, nee?

*The hospital auditor from Kansas bought a special travel purse to protect her from New York's pickpockets during the 3-week sojourn. She used to live in Texas, and just bought her first sailboat. There are places to sail in Kansas; good ones, with strong wind current. She uses Clinton Lake, near Lawrence, water made from a dam.


*Outside Grand Central this morning I found a moleskine notebook splayed on the ground near a rusted trash can. It looked ole and weathered, and, noticing nobody nearby who seemed to be searching, and with time to spare before work, I picked it up and began reading. It was three-quarters full with journal entries by a nameless male someone. I carried it to the Tudor City, found a park bench, and began to read.

The first few pages detailed the minutiae of the man's life- mild complaints about money and women- without delving too far into specifics. The jottings belonged to a sane, somewhat pedantic, typical human, full of self-interest and immersion in his sphere. Uninteresting, for the most part, and I almost returned it to its nook before noticing an entry longer than the others.

It contained a breathless account of how the man encountered a God on 42nd street one morning, near Grand Central, and how it swooped down from a light pole where it had been hunched, waiting. The God was Coyote, of the southwest Indian tribes, a lithe, virile creature who approached with a smile. He wrote in hurried prose that it surprised him to learn the Native Americans were right, among all mythologies and belief systems, if Coyote was being honest moments later when he claimed himself as the one true creator of Earth.

After brief discussion (during which time the passerby floated east and west as if in a dream, unaware of the God and man paused in their midst) Coyote told the man he could be granted one wish. While I read, the maddening question of why the author had been chosen above all others lingered like an itch, but went unanswered, unscratched. He never even seemed to wonder himself.

Without thinking, the man made his wish, for he'd been dreaming it a long time: that for 365 days, ever year, in every corner of the world, each day would ensue with the same exact weather. No changing of seasons; just cool mornings, sunny afternoons reaching eighty degrees, and balmy, breezy evenings, with overnight temperatures never dipping below 55 fahrenheit. Coyote honored the wish and disappeared.

Time went on, and though the climate change was initially viewed as a fun anomaly, in almost no time the awful consequences became apparent. Without seasonal patterns, the agricultural economy collapsed, food shortages spread worldwide, famine ensued, the ice caps began to melt, disease spread with flooding, massive starvation killed millions, warfare erupted in all corners of the globe, and the man with the journal fell into a deep depression. He knew he had to atone, somehow, but could think of no other way than setting off on a journey, searching for Coyote, begging for a reversal.

So he went, and it was days of wandering through ravaged land, always going north, surviving at long odds by sheer, strange luck, before he found himself in a small clearing amid a pine forest, and there Coyote alit from the boughs of a tall tree and met him again. The man begged for a restoration in time to stave off the world's apocalyptic meltdown. Coyote smiled and told him he'd do better, that he'd be willing to reverse time to the day of their first meeting, and have life go on as before, as though there'd been no interruption.

The man thanked him and cried, rejoicing in shouts, carrying on, jubilant, until he noticed Coyote's mocking stillness and understood that the saving grace came with conditions. He waited. Coyote spoke. One must be a martyr for his mistake, a lost saint for the cause. Despairing, the man sunk to his knees. Coyote's grin disappeared, and he stared in the man's eyes and showed him in flickering gray images the extent of the suffering he'd wrought. The man accepted.

"Can I have one more day? To stay in the forest and say goodbye?" he asked.

Coyote laughed. "No."

The last entry of the journal was written in the morning, as he rode the train to work. Time had been restored, and the man knew something would happen to him when he emerged, when his steps fell upon the same spot where the God had first been met. His writing didn't betray as much fear as I expected, but then again it was only writing, and probably couldn't reflect his true state of mind.

I decided not to keep the notebook, but throwing it out seemed uselessly destructive, and so I buried it beneath a pile of mulch in the Tudor Gardens. Whether it's found again, and what the new holder might choose to do with the knowledge...I leave all that to chance.


*Sylvia Plath - all I can think about.

Laugh it up

Poems from crazy people with bad pasts, Installment 1:

MOTHER WAS A PEPSI PERSON
FATHER LIKED HIS                 COKE
                
                MOTHER LIKED TO HUG HER BABY
FATHER LIKED TO                        CHOKE

MOTHER PRAYED FOR QUIET NIGHTS
WHILE FATHER SPENT HER DOLLARS

              INSECTS SEEK THE PORCH'S
                                 LIGHT

WHILE
    HUMANS
         SEEK
             A
              COLLAR

Brian

I met Brian one week ago today at the Wisteria Pergola in Central Park, close to dusk. Under the trellis, I inhaled the odor of the drooping racemes and tried to put a name on the memory it roused. The exercise veered between light curiosity and impending panic; was it a chance incident in youth, superfluous and easily forgotten, or something more crucial that fate had stirred from obscurity, needed to complete the shifting puzzle? But the harder I try to unearth an insistent memory, over-saturating in the clues, flailing in the muddy water, the more resistent it becomes, annealing, only to step from the shadows much later in the off moment of revelation. As the nebulous past stayed on the periphery, shrouded, Brian emerged in a thin, orange jacket, faded blue jeans, and heavy black boots. His shaggy, almost curly gray hair hung to his shoulders, and a light fuzz of the same color covered his face. "That's wisteria?" "Yeah. I'm trying to figure out what the smell reminds me of." He let gravity take his legs pitter-patter down the slight slope, and pulled up with his hands on his hips, his eyes on the pendulous flowers. Shorter than me, he had yellowish teeth and a shrewd expression. "Pretty," he said. "You don't happen to know what that tree is, do you?" I asked, pointing ten yards to the west where a short, spreading, gnarled tree grew wild on a fenced hill, its muscled branches moving oddly downward as they twisted at random, acute angles. "No idea," he said, squinting his eyes. "Where you from?" "Upstate New York." "Where upstate?" "You ever heard of Lake Placid?" "I've been to Lake Placid." "Yeah? I'm from a town ten minutes away." "Saranac?" "Saranac Lake, yeah." "Calm up there." "Yeah, it's beautiful." "I wouldn't call it beautiful. Just serene." "What were you doing up there?" Brian had been in the north country to paint flag poles. In the 70s, with no money and no prospects, he'd answered a newspaper ad advertising dangerous work. Since then he'd been all over the country, attached by harness to the long, silver projections, freshening them with a new coat, burnishing America's chipped, flaking image. It wasn't great money, he said, but it allowed him to travel. He'd grown up in the city. "You miss it up there?" he asked. "Not too much. It's nice to go back, but boring if you stay." "The city's great," he said. "Didn't used to be safe around here." He pointed to a black bicycle a few feet away, apparently his. "Used to have to carry a snub-nose .32." "Why?" He leaned in close, confidential. "N*****s," he said, nodding once. He said that the poor white population, all the ones who would fight back, had left by the mid-70s, leaving only middle-class people who wouldn't stick up for themselves. They were terrorized by homeless or drugged-up blacks, which is why he needed the pistol. I asked if he'd ever had to use it. "Took it out once or twice, never fired." He went on to tell me the country was screwed if Obama got elected president, because blacks had huge egos. I steered the conversation to his travels. He'd been to every state but Alaska and Hawaii. He asked about my goals in the city, and I told him about writing. He said there was no money in short stories anymore because all but a few of the literary magazines had gone out of business, and that I should take a Wall Street job for the security. "Or even write for all these advertisers," he said, gesturing at the high-rises to the west. "At least you're still in the practice of writing. Neil Simon did that shit for years before he became a playwright." I told him he was probably on the mark, and I'd think about it. "You married?" he asked next. I said no. "Find a virgin," he advised. "These girls, out there... they've had twenty dicks, you think they're going to be satisfied with just yours?" "Virgins are hard to find these days," I said. "No they aren't. Just go steal one from the churches." Brian had a hacking cough, and when we finally introduced ourselves by name, his hand was clammy with sweat or fever. I told him I had to get going, and my right palm burned with the compulsive need to be washed. "Before you take off," he said, "let me give you my poem for New York." He cleared his throat and looked away, watching the foot traffic by the marble fountain. I don't remember most of the poem, but it was fast, descriptive, rhyming verse, enumerating New York's various landmarks and extolling its rough-and-tumble qualities. Near the end, he referenced the city's eight million children, of all colors, from all places, who "all answer to the same name..." Before the reveal, he paused dramatically, coughed again, and trotted out his best New Yorker bark: "Eh!" I didn't believe he wrote the poem himself, but searches since haven't produced anything, so it's possible. At the time, I laughed at the punch line, obligated and somewhat appreciative of the effort, and waited until I'd hit 71st and Central Park West before cleaning up.

What?

This morning on the subway, a small, tow-headed boy ran on at Montrose Avenue and took the seat next to mine. He leaned his Justice League backpack into my side, oblivious to the adult constraints on human proximity. His mother followed, carrying another, smaller child on her back- a blond little girl, maybe two years old, sticking out her lower lip and waving her tiny right hand in frantic circles.

The mother wore a short skirt and black stockings, and her straight brown hair looked unwashed. She was young, not over thirty-three, let's say, but had a slightly haggard morning face. Understandable, of course. She began telling her son about the longest train in the world, the Trans-Siberian Railroad. "It runs through Russia, all the way to Japan," she said. "No, not Japan....Korea."

The boy looked on, fascinated. "Does it take seventy days?"

"Probably not that many. Maybe ten or so," she said. "But it doesn't even stop at night."

That fact delighted the boy, who reached into his school backpack and took out a catalogue of Star Wars toys. I noticed then that he wore reddish pajama pants decorated with smudged strawberries and raspberries. Although I admired the mother, on first impression, for her liberal bearing and good humor amid the difficult undertaking, I couldn't forgive this transgression on her son's burgeoning social life. The little girl, now on her mother's lap, said "ba ba ba ba."

"How delightful!" said the mother, using a haughty movie voice. Her son, engrossed in the tiny pictures of Darth Vader and other heroes, ignored both. "Now I sound like Katherine Hepburn," the mother said to no one. I turned and gave a sympathetic smile, even though I don't think I've ever seen a Katherine Hepburn movie.

When the boy closed the catalogue, I tried to glance at the name on the address label, wondering if I could google the mother and read all about her life on a personal website. Her name was Judith, and the last name started with a V, but I couldn't get a clear look at the rest. I lost interest anyway. I put on headphones and tuned out. A few minutes later, the boy crooked his foot behind my leg, and I felt the intense discomfort that comes when a social taboo is on the verge of being violated. I ahem'ed with mild vigor, and the attractive girl standing in front of me laughed at the spectacle, but the mother or son didn't notice.

The decision to stop caring was easily made, and the regions of the brain dealing with matters analogous led me to the memory of how I sought physical contact with my father. It usually took the form of violence- the male comfort zone- crawling like a cat or super-spy along the top of the couch while dad watched the news. I'd poise above with a delirious grin, trying to contain my bursting giggles, dad unsuspecting or pretending at it when my springy weight fell straight down, landing on his wide shoulders to hang like a pet monkey, writhing in ecstatic laughter. My younger brothers all did the same.

It occurred to me that a certain willful ignorance about the lives of others isn't necessarily as arrogant as I once thought. I'd put pressure on myself to notice everything, take a piece of life from everyone. But it's not always meant to be. On the 4-train uptown, an older, round-faced woman with permed hair of the 80s variety, wearing a mid-length pleated black skirt with no stockings- a fact that awkwardly highlighted her bright, white skin and bruised kneecaps- leaned forward with an absent-minded expression that could be misinterpreted as dumb smugness.

Whoever she was, I didn't care, and couldn't. But there isn't anything to feel guilty about- she doesn't care about me either. Each spider's web can only catch so many flies. Others are meant to hit the sides, ricochet outward, breathe a sigh of relief at the close call, and be on their way. And still others are meant to soar miles above or below, unaware of your little web, bound for their own.

Another example: the RDS delivery man, a sullen, heavy, pasty-white man with a face like a fat, cynical child. He comes in every morning in his hunter-green uniform, bearing the packages in both arms like a miserable burden, and turns to give me an exasperated sigh. The short hairs on his head move slightly with the hallway's compressed air current, and he sulks off to the main entrance. "Fuck you," I mouth at him after he's turned away. Next door, I can hear him transferring the packages and asking for a signature. "You know the drill," he mumbles in his low, disaffected moan.

This man probably has a story. He may be an expert on model trains, or maybe he's a champion paintball player. But unless he goes crazy one morning and guns me down where I sit, our paths will only make this daily, superficial crossing.

The Wee'uns

I don't know who Petrova Elementary School was named for. It's one of the most common Russian surnames, and Saranac Lake must have had a doctor or other wealthy person in residence and willing to endow when the school was constructed in 1924. For a school, it's fairly typical; red brick exterior, wide, bright hallways, high windows in the classrooms, and filthy gum-stained carpet everywhere. I attended Petrova until third grade, when my mother thought I needed a stiffer academic challenge and enrolled me in St. Bernard's Catholic School, where I learned how to fist-fight. At Petrova I learned how to swear. Down a hill past the cafeteria wing, huge athletic greens, including the high school's baseball and football fields, stretched along LaPan Highway. When I played modified football in seventh and eighth grade, a handicapped student named Matt sat in a wheelchair near the highway, with his aide at his back, watching us stretch. Our coach had us yell "Hi, Matt!" in unison at the beginning of every practice. These fields are where we had recess for an hour every day. They'd make us sit patiently in the cafeteria until our time was up, and then, though it sounds cliche, we'd charge out the doors, screaming, run or fall down the hill, and burst onto the fields. The girls stayed on the tarmac or on the sandy playground, where they talked in groups or jump-roped or drew hopscotch with chalk. On the fields, there were early minutes of frenzy and chaos before the athletes among us organized into sides for that day's game. In the fall and winter, tackle football was the sport of choice, and aside from brief spring forays into kickball and softball, it ruled year-round. A soccer game also went on concurrently, and a mild rivalry sprung up between the two sides. Football players were "jocks," soccer players were "fags." My best friend at the time was Pat, a chubby, ruddy boy with a megaphone voice. He marched around with his chest out, maintaining order and barking at digressors. He spent a lot of time at my house, and one day after school when I felt terrible about everyone saying I had a big head, he consoled me. "I know what it's like," he said. "Everyone calls me Fat Pat." Along with being one of the best athletes in our grade, Pat was world-class at swearing. "Dave, what the fuck?!" he'd yell at someone who'd dropped a pass or thrown an interception, with special red-faced fury booming out on the last syllable. The word was usually accompanied by an incredulous expression, both hands raised in exasperation. "Fuck you," came the timid response, and Pat would only shake his thick head. Most of us on the field would copy the way Pat swore, with varying levels of success. The exception were the kids from Bloomingdale, the rough-around-the-edges outskirt of our town, where swearing was learned from birth and done with a hard stare, slowly, brimming with violence. They cursed for something other than fun. The rest of us just loved the way it sounded, the brief image of toughness we felt, especially after spitting out "fuck," a word so harsh and beautiful it seemed to sum up a thousand emotions and contain as many meanings. I resisted at first, because my mom taught me not to swear and I felt guilty. But it didn't take long to succumb to the appeal, and I remember the thrill at my first tentative foray. I was playing quarterback and threw an out-pattern to Pat, who looked upfield too early and dropped the ball. He stopped on the spot, grimaced and looked at his hands. As he ran back to the offensive side, I summoned all my courage, stared him down, and said "what was that shit?" It came out awkwardly, with the beginning swearer's over-emphasis and timidity. "Fuck you," he said, and shoved me. "I'm quarterback." Pat moved after fifth grade. His mother had family in Maine, and finally got enough money to get a place near them. They lived on an island with no electricity, and I didn't stay in touch with Pat for very long. The next and last time I saw him was at a varsity football game my freshman year. A group of us in the bleachers noticed him leaning against the rope at the sideline. He looked mostly the same, a little thinner, but with the same ruddy complexion and trademark scowl. "That's Pat," someone said. I didn't know what I could say to him, forgetting that it could be anything, so I stayed glued to the seat. Pat stood hunched on the sideline, hat pulled low, enduring his lonely homecoming. All of us knew him, but nobody said hello. But under his tutelage, swearing became second nature, something I could do efficiently and selectively, never slipping in front of a parent or authority figure. By fourth grade, I was a prodigy. When my mother put me in St. Bernard's, my friend Johnny and I fancied ourselves the toughest guys in school. I had a swagger in my step that beat anything I could have gotten away with at Petrova, where the Bloomingdale kids would have wasted little time burying me for that kind of attitude. But St. Bernard's was home to a lighter breed of person, and we ruled the roost for more than a year, starting and winning fistfights at will. That all ended in fifth grade. On a warm day in March, we were playing Pickle on the tarmac, and I accidentally knocked Joe Nickastrini's glasses off his face when I swipe tagged him. A massive, strong, quiet Italian kid, Joe was know more for his humor than anything else, and as his glasses hit the ground, I said "you're out." Joe exploded. "Don't touch my glasses!" he shouted in his deep bass, face quivering with rage. He punched me unexpectedly on the mouth, and I fell to the ground as he charged, trying to cover myself up while he kicked with his tree-trunk legs. I saw blood on my hand and panicked, rolled away, and yelled "help!" Johnny came and tried to stop Joe's progress, but he got tossed aside for his trouble, and it took two aides to restrain the fuming Italian. After that, my reputation as a tough-guy was tarnished, and I decided fighting wasn't my style. In sixth grade, I was back at Petrova for Middle School, and back to playing football. One lunch hour, a scrawny, quiet, spectacled kid named Ronald Rykker said he wanted to play. Everyone's instinct was to say no, and the word "nerd" was thrown around, but I was feeling like a samaritan and vouched for him. On our first drive, he stood open in the endzone and I threw him the ball. By a miracle, he caught it and held on, and our whole team erupted at the surprising success. I remember the glow on his face, and his strange words: "I'm gonna do it again!" And he did, near the end of recess, setting off a flurry of celebration and infuriating the other team. I felt high on myself after that, but Ronald didn't play with us again. Later that year, Ronald somehow burnt his face on a waffle iron. I gave him the nickname "paper," because he was thin, white, and had lines. It stuck.

I'm back

Tonight. Chance of rain. Mariners in town. Wang dealing, Yankees needing a win.

I'm going to the Stadium hip hip hooray.

Tomorrow. Chance of rain. Berko in town. Me straight banging from 3, people ready for hoops.

I'm going to the Prospect Courts hip hip hooray.

Sunday. Chance of rain. Cherry trees in bloom. Two kids jonesin' for some tree-spottin'.

I'm going to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens for a Tree-Walk hip hip hoorah.

What a few days.